As I’ve struggled on this journey to try and figure out where I am in this world, what my calling is and how to fulfill that calling through a balance of solitude and community, I’ve realized something. Our world seems to have a one size fits all mentality – especially about relationships. Women in particular it seems.
We all want to be like the mom who has the perfect house, the perfect kids, the perfect physical appearance…but what is she like down inside? Is she perfected by the perfectness? Perhaps she is. Some are I am sure but I would guess that the majority would have some sort of “what else” question in their hearts. As moms how many of us feel the need to do it perfect…To do what’s popular even if it goes against our discernment…To do what everyone else is doing. Yet we try to teach our children the dangers of following the “in crowd”.
I think that’s where my struggle comes in. I am not a go with the crowd person. I can be opinionated even though I’ve learned to temper it. As a mom, I did things like extended nursing and cloth diapers in a crowd where it wasn’t so mainstream. I was never really labeled a hippy but I often felt like my “mothering” didn’t quite fit. And perhaps I put some of that not fitting in on myself but I know none of my friends were quite as excited about my newest cloth diaper or the fact that I finally night weaned at 16 months.
As a homemaker, my house is seldom spotless. It’s picked up (usually) and certainly not filthy but there are crumbs on my floor and usually a few dishes in the sink until I load the dishwasher at night. Toys laying out usually doesn’t stress me out until someone comes over. And on laundry day(s) there is usually laundry on the floor of my kitchen as I don’t have a separate laundry room. I’ve even been known to put all my clothes on my dining room table as I wait for that perfect time to fold them. (By the way that perfect time NEVER comes. I need to just do it and get it out of the way.) I love going into some one’s perfectly put together house. I feel at peace. But honestly I am at peace in my home – unless someone unexpectedly shows up. Then I’m not quite so okay being myself around others. I think that stems from trying to be the mom or homemaker the world thinks I should be (other moms and women especially). I put most of those expectations on myself, but where did I learn to do that?
As a friend I do think I am more go with the flow. This is where I am more purposeful to try to fit into the one size all option. Like a square peg in a round hole I try to perfect my personality to fit in with others. If they like going to play dates at a certain place I do it as well even though I HATE it rather than suggest we occasionally do something different. If they call me for lunch I will change my schedule to accommodate rather than suggest an alternative date unless it’s something I cannot change. Lately I’ve realized I just don’t like that one size all. I would rather go to the gym everyday and not miss a class to go somewhere for an hour in the hopes that I might really click with this person and have a sustainable friendship. I would want to go to lunch but would rather not give up a class that I love. I’d rather say – hey can we try Chick Fil A this week (since we went to McDonald’s the last three?). I’d rather have friends who don’t judge me by my messy home or scattered desk. I am actually quite put together and accomplished most days with my multi-tasking abilities. You just can’t tell by the look of my desk or home even though that’s something I desperately want to work on.
Why do I find the need to fit into a one size fits all society whether it be via parenting or friendships or Christian service or even my relationship with God? I am an individuals. Thus perhaps we should bridge that individuality through community but not lose that individuality. But in a desire to fit in we often do lose ourselves. And most of the time we aren’t told to do something or not do something. We often put that on ourselves. Why why why? How can we stop this? How can we bridge this gap or actually forge a new road? To be honest I have no clue. Did you expect some glorious epiphany? I’m not the one with all the answers. I am looking for answers and I’d love some feedback.
I do think when you forge a new road it can be a lonely journey at times. Sometimes those closest to us don’t understand. But lately I’ve already heard from women who feel similarly as me, so I don’t feel quite so at odds with myself in this world. Their circumstances might be different but our feelings are similar.
Where do we go from here?